Lots of Thinking

                                                         March 13, 2013 (2:01 P.M.)

Sorry for my lack of posting these last couple of days. It has been a rollercoaster as far as my future plans have been concerned and stressful does not even begin to encompass what I’ve been going through. A lot of possible things could have been happening over the next couple of weeks, but I’m glad to say I at least have an idea of what my next move will be.

For those of you who are a little confused as to what I’m referring to, let’s take a minute to bring you up to speed.

I am currently participating in a research program for Great White Sharks. The internship is headed and funded by a company called Oceans Research. On top of the Great White Shark internship, Oceans Research provides a number of other possible internships for people studying various subjects. A few examples of the type of internships available are education-related programs, dolphin and whale internships, filming tours, photography, etc. In May 2013, Oceans Research will be starting a Journalism Internship for people interested in writing about the various wildlife located in and around South Africa. So far, there are eight interns scheduled to arrive at the beginning of May.

Oceans Research offered me the position of field specialist for this upcoming program. I would be in charge of the eight interns as far as travel arrangements to the different locations, story idea generation, etc. My job would entail organizing the interns to make sure deadlines are kept, stories at a quality level and all tasks assigned are completed. In addition to my field specialist duties, I would be helping Oceans get a magazine started. Half my day would be dedicated to the interns and the other half of the day would be dedicated to the magazine.

As far as the magazine is concerned, I would be writing articles, assisting with the graphic design and finding contributing authors for some of the stories. I would have the opportunity to generate story ideas regarding wildlife, environment and conservation and would help with editing, writing and traveling for the magazine.

Since the interns would not be arriving until May, and the program was being started from scratch, Oceans asked if I would be willing to stay straight through after my internship ended in March. I would use the four weeks of April to help prepare the magazine and get some ideas together for the beginning of May. With me on board, we could get everything started ahead of time and have everything prepared by the time the interns arrived.

This is such an amazing opportunity for me and I could not have more appreciative for the offer. I told them I needed some time to discuss my options and would get back to them as soon as possible.

After the initial shock and excitement of the offer started to wear off, reality decided to do what it does best and present itself. The bigger picture started to settle in. Not only would I not be coming home in April, I would be extending my stay an additional six months. I would not be returning home until the beginning of November. That’s a long time to be in South Africa. That’s a long time to be without Shannon.

            Shannon.

             Crap.

            Shannon and I were so excited to see each other in April. She had it all planned out. My first weekend back would be the weekend of her birthday. She requested off work, organized plans with her friends and was just playing the waiting game until I was back with her. How could I possibly tell her I wouldn’t be coming home until November?

My whole life I said I would never base any serious decision on a girl. I’ve heard too many horror stories. Now, when it finally came time for me to prove my words, the first thing I wanted to do was fly back as quick as I could to see her. It’s funny how quickly you change your mind when it’s you involved. Everyone seems to give the best advice when it does not affect them personally, but as soon as the circumstances change to include them, everything they ever said gets thrown to the floor. I know if a friend of mine had presented me with this, I wouldn’t have hesitated a moment to tell him to stay for the job. The alternative wouldn’t have even been an option. Stay for a girl? Please.

But what if it’s the girl? What if she’s it? I would be giving that up for a few extra months in South Africa?

At this point, I hadn’t made a decision as far as what I would do but I knew it wouldn’t be fair to her unless I told her what I was thinking. I wouldn’t want this sprung on me at the last minute. I would have wanted some time to discuss it with the other person and see what all our options were. I had to tell her. I had to let her know what I was offered.

The moments leading up to the video chat were some of the scariest seconds of my life. I couldn’t believe how nervous I was. You would have thought I was about to jump out of a plane, but no, I was sitting on a couch about to tell a girl I’m in love with that I may not be coming home for seven months. Personally, I’d choose the plane.

When my phone alerted me of the video chat connection, I physically started to sweat. By this time of my internship, I was almost halfway through the program. Shannon and I had been counting down the days. I loved my time here, but was still excited to see her. The count at this point was somewhere around 30 days; or at least that’s how many Skittles I guessed were left. When the connection was completed, I started to prepare myself.
Should I just say it quickly and get it over with? Should I try and ease into it? Should I tell her? I might not even take it?

            Me: Hey!

            Shannon: Hey, you’re catching me on my way out to work.

            Me: Oh no worries. I’ll just call you when you get done.

            Shannon: It’s going to be late though.

            Me: That’s ok. I’ll stay up.

            Shannon: Are you sure? Is everything ok?

            Me: Oh everything is great. I’ll talk to you tonight!

            Wimp.

            I couldn’t do it. All the mental preparation meant nothing. As soon as I saw her face, I couldn’t even begin to tell her. The words wouldn’t come out and to top it all off, I now had to wait until she was done work before I could try again. Nothing like letting something brew in your mind all day to rest the nerves. I spent the next couple of hours building up potential scenarios in my head and letting my imagination get the best of me.

By the time I actually talked to her that evening, I just wanted to tell her and get it over with. The conversation went pretty much as expected; she put on a brave face but you could see right through it. There was no hiding the way she really felt; the way we both felt. And of course it would be harder for her because from her perspective, I’m choosing to stay here. I’m choosing South Africa. I’m choosing this job over her. It’s always harder on the person without the choice. Of course I wouldn’t be choosing this job over her though. I would be choosing it for a potential better future for us, but it’s always so hard to show that.

The conversation didn’t last long. I could tell she needed some time to “digest” it all. I didn’t sleep very much that night; understandably. I decided to stay up researching the job opportunity. I looked up who I would be working with, what I would exactly be doing, and how long I would need to stay here. I stayed up all night. When the sun came up, I went to the offices and sat down with each of my potential bosses and asked them everything I needed to know.

I wanted to know my day-to-day tasks. I wanted to know who I would be working with. I wanted to know my hours. I asked what jobs I could hope to get after obtaining this position. I asked them about their personal experiences. I even asked them if the job was worth it. If I was going to consider this, I needed to know everything. To be fair to Shannon, I needed to know everything.

            When I checked my email that morning, I was not surprised to see an email from Shannon. In the email she told me to research the position thoroughly. Glad to know we were on the same page. We talked again later that day with much of the same results. Anyway you spun this, it was a rough situation. I would be leaving her and she would have to be alone for the next half a year.

I wanted to get a better idea about the length of time spent here, so I went back to the research offices. I wanted Shannon to know as much as possible about the position so we could try to work out a plan that worked for both of us. I talked with Cassie (my potential new boss) about the magazine and its distribution. I knew the magazine was going to be quarterly and wanted to know if it was even worth it to stay for six months. Obviously I wanted to get as much out of the experience as possible, but I wouldn’t want to be here for six months if I could get the same amount of value after staying two. The first issue is set to be released in July. Cassie said realistically it would not be released until August. Being the first issue, she said she wanted some “room” in case we came across problems.

After discussing it, we decided if I stayed, it would be ideal for me to only stay until then. There would have not been much point in staying for two more months to only be a part of half the magazine. Not only would I not get the full credit for the issue, I would not be there for its completion. If I stayed until August, I would get real world experience starting a magazine from scratch, writing, organizing, advertising, etc. and hopefully plaster my name throughout.
After much deliberation, discussion and advice seeking, I decided to accept the offer. It was such an amazing opportunity. I couldn’t imagine coming back to the states to go back to the casino again. I think I would regret it for the rest of my life.

Shannon and I had our fights about it, and have definitely had our ups and downs, but for the moment, we seem to be on the same page. We want to try and work it out. Quitting is not an option. A friend of mine in college said it takes two special people for a long distance relationship to work. They both have to want it to work out and do everything in their power to keep it going. I think Shannon and I have that. If we just quit now, we would always wonder if there was something more there. I love her and cannot imagine not giving this a try. I can’t be afraid of what might happen because of this. I can only hope that this could be better for the two of us in the future. We have to work at it and I’m definitely ready to work.

Fear is temporary; regret lasts forever.